Sunday, June 1, 2014


     After some time,and things now being more in hindsight,I thought it'd be a good time to make a part two to the original post healing through grief since my views have already evolved since the first posting. After starting this part 2 and how long it ended up being,it is likely there will be a part three later on as well. Some things may kind of repeat a little bit but this is because this series is a bit more diary-like.
      One thing that has evolved is that I am now more accepting of death and see it as a natural cycle of life. After contemplating it for awhile,I find most viewpoints on death come from societal conditioning. To be honest,I find the more I spiritually evolve,the more I am peeling away layers and layers of societal conditioning. Sometimes when I think about it,it frustrates me how much societal conditioning there is the world. But,then I feel it is just part of the path. Death is one of those things that has a lot of societal conditioning. Sometimes in the moment,I will catch myself thinking untrue thoughts that are negative and don't serve me that come from this conditioning that I am still working on letting go of. It can take time to really let go of all layers even when you know something no longer resonates with you. For example,I still catch myself feeling sad thinking of death as a punishment once in awhile and how unfair it is and then tell myself how much that contradicts what I find to actually be truth. Again,it takes time to peel away old layers. Changing a belief can still have you with old thoughts that no longer resonate with you popping up from time to time. The more my viewpoints have expanded,the more I see death as a change. It is not a punishment because the soul chooses when it is going to leave. And one thing that I've decided really resonates the more I've thought about it and studied is that death and birth are REALLY similar. Death and birth are the SAME. They are both a big change.Both processes are messy and usually painful. When you choose to be born,you are leaving the spirit world,and when you choose to die,you are choosing to leave the physical realm. Both are leaving one world and entering another. I also firmly believe all death is "suicide." I know this is a controversial opinion and a lot of people will disagree with it.
"The fear of death is unnecessary. The truth is all death is a suicide."-Abraham Hicks
     I believe the law of attraction is always at work,and neverending. The law of attraction applies before you are born,and applies even after you die. You are neverending as well. I believe there are no accidents. I believe some things we may be choosing on a deeper soul level that we cannot fathom consciously but even still we are always choosing and co-creating. The law of attraction applies to animals,of course as well. Why would they be exempt? Animals are souls,too afterall and the law of attraction wouldn't make sense if it wasn't all inclusive. Too many people believe in the law of attraction but try to make exceptions for this scenario or that scenario when in fact it is always the law of attraction. I believe the universe is a beautiful and mysterious place that is so damn amazing it can make every soul's desires manifest even if at times they contradict. The universe is amazing like that. I believe we all choose contrast and soul lessons for our lifetime. I believe in destiny. I do not believe in karma. Ever since I stopped believing in karma,I feel like a small,slight weight has been lifted off me like there's been some energy blockage cleared.  I believe in the power of positivity and radiating love,gratitude,and being peace. These are higher vibrational feelings.
    I've wondered about regrets. One thing that makes me more trusting in destiny and feel a little better about regrets is the Butterfly Effect. It's a mainstream movie and I usually hesitate to use a mainstream movie as a point of reference,but this movie is what popped in my head before to me with this and hits a good point. If we look back at our life,most people probably feel like there is  things they wish they could've done differently or changed. But,I happen to think that perhaps one change, changes everything and that you can't predict what that change could even be. Every little detail in your life manifests the way it did for a reason and by perfect design of this mysterious universe. Change one thing,and you could give yourself a much different reality that is far from better then your current one. It's hard,but a trust in destiny allows you to realize the universe is perfect,there are no mistakes,and everything happens in divine timing. You came here to experience. Trust life. Trust the perfect,intricate design of the universe. Also,know reality is everchanging and the universe is continously expanding. What I mean about everchanging is this:Yes,before you incarnate you may decide something to experience,but in this lifetime on a soul level,your soul could alter that a bit. It's all very intricate but perfect,and it's all you! You are deciding! And,yet it's all so perfect to somehow coexist and manifest with all the other soul's who are deciding as well. This is a perfect universe. Trust it.
   One thing death does is it's awakens us. It awakens us to love and to how much we love and what it's all about. Love. You don't care so much about the silly things afterwards and the fears because you realize it doesn't matter. And,I think that's why I say we all take things for granted on some level,because once a loved one dies,you became awakened to things. And,it's startling. It becomes as if someone took a veil off. It's hard to describe because it's so individual. One thing Buttons taught me by leaving was how much I love her and how important she is to me. And,it's not like I didn't know that already. It's just her leaving became a lesson. She left accomplishing her lesson." Look,mom how much you love me,and how important I am to you,and how we were always connected. I'm SIGNIFICANT." I'm not going to lie...even I was surprised at how big on a soul level she was to me. I knew I adored her but it just became very wow. I didn't think animals could be guides..and now I feel like maybe she was my guide,even. I have no doubt in my mind she is definitely a SOUL connection to me.
     Since she left,my love for animals even has become reawakened. I've been considering converting from vegetarianism to veganism. That is kind of weird to me,since she is a feline,there is no direct connection..but I guess it's kinda DOES make sense. I've also been awakened to my passion that all shelters should be no kill. This is a cause I would like to take actions and set positive intentions towards for making this happen. I haven't felt this passionate for animal causes for the most part since well...around the time she came in my life. It's like as I grew up,I felt it was too pointless to make an effect on those issues so became a vegetarian in I believe it was 1999 or 2000 and just figured I was doing my part and let it go. I'd donate to charities from time to time and have compassion, but that's mostly it.
     I believe in reincarnation and past lives. The more I've reflected on it,the more I get the eerie feeling my childhood cat Shadow reincarnated as Buttons. I do think Buttons will reincarnate in the near future and come back to me as cat again. I think soul connections in our lives tend to stick with each other throughout lifetimes in one way or another. I've thought about fostering cats in the meantime but after some thought,I am not sure I am quite ready for that,either. It's too soon for me to adopt a cat. If I did adopt now or soon,it'd be more likely a senior cat since they are so special and less likely to be adopted. It would be especially too soon for me to adopt a kitten since you raise them and start from the beginning with them. I'm hoping the next kitten that will come to me will be Buttons. She will find me when the time is right and I am ready and least expect it.

"The animal will say,inevitably, 'don't worry,i'll find you.' Something we call serendipitous will then happen,but really it came from the animal spirit and the intention to get back to this place."-Kim Sheridan,Animals and the afterlife
    While grieving there was nonstop tears for me. I would cry multiple times per hour and for the first week couldn't even be alone at home for too long because it was too painful. My chakras were blocked. I ended up losing part of my hearing from my third eye chakra becoming blocked. After this,I told myself I needed to not take my health for granted and try to feel better and make more efforts at functioning.Since all of life is symbols and signs and speaking to us,everytime my ear loses partial hearing,I know it's because i'm not hearing things clearly metaphorically speaking. This makes sense. I had an overkill of OCD thoughts after she transitioned. My truth was becoming so fogged. 
     Why do we eventually come to a place where we are OK after things we deemed awful happen? It is because humans are just adaptable? I came to this: We are naturally self healing. Just like bodies are self healing,we self heal emotionally/mentally. Of course,we can resist this and that's why some people can seem to never heal from the pain. Naturally,however,we are love. And,despite the contrast,the pain,we are meant to self heal and so we do. This doesn't make us bad people,we are just doing what love does. 


So,why do we try to be happy after the worst of things happen? We try to be happy no matter what for several reasons. First,we must try to function. To try to strain your energy by reaching too high at once is no good. We try to be happy because first of all,it feels better to be happy. Second,energy has an effect on the world,and those around you. You try to pull it together,and then be happy because you are then sending positive energy into the world and to others by doing so. Dwelling in your own pain,and negative energy,besides self sabotaging,spreads out to the universe. You are actually doing a good thing,and serving the world by pulling it together and being happy. People can be brought down by other’s negative energy or up with positive energy,and people that are especially empathetic feel this deeper so will especially be affected by you. Third,negativity begets negativity and positivity begets positivity so when you are going through hard times,it can be especially hard because you can’t rush yourself to feel better authentically,and so you are naturally going to attract more to you that is negative. It’s not a fun situation. This is why it’s important to first reach for functioning and then for a high vibration of happiness. Happiness is a magic pill. Bring your vibration high enough and you will create miracles in your life you can’t even fathom.

Monday, May 19, 2014


     Karma isn't real and believing in it,is only going to hinder your happiness. Most people who believe in karma,like to do so because they either on some level want someone they perceived has slighted them to be punished or feel they themselves should be punished. Of course,considering the law of attraction,if you believe in karma,then by your believing in it,it will be true for your reality. But,doing so,actually hinders you. I think the reason people believe in karma is similar to why people believe in hell,and the devil. They just can't stand the idea that people can do things,and not be punished for it,and so the concept of karma was created which is basically like evolving from the concept of hell.
      The truth is,God doesn't judge and it's only your thinking that makes something bad or good,that makes it so. You already are deserving. But,you constantly keep thinking your not for one reason or another,or want to make excuses for why something bad happened to you and find meaning in it,so you therefore blame karma. If someone does something to hurt you bad enough,you may go crazy and to ease yourself,you tell yourself they will get their karma. And,so this cycle continues,basically imprisoning us. Freeing yourself from the concept of karma is empowering.
     If karma is real,then why do people in this lifetime who do things most any sane person would agree is awful,continue to live out their desires and achieve the things they want? Why do "good" people seem to suffer and struggle? If they are so "good," then why don't they have supreme happiness all the time and attract all their desires with ease? Ok,by now,some will start to bring past lives into the picture. Except,no. Past lives and how you incarnate into the next life has NOTHING to do with how good or bad you are in the previous life and you don't keep evolving more and more after each life. You just don't. When you choose to incarnate,you have your lessons and desires you choose to experience in this lifetime. This is based on what your soul wants to experience..even if you your CONSCIOUS self can't fathom why,your soul knows things your conscious self doesn't. Of course,reality IS everchanging,and so while incarnated,it is possible to have this(your desires) evolve a bit. 
     If karma WAS real,it would interfere with the law of attraction. The law of attraction  IS real. Yes,yes,and again YES,if you believe in karma strongly enough,karma will seem real to you. But,as soon as you stop believing in it,it will cease to be real. The problem with believing in karma is you are giving power to something outside of yourself. This is hindering. It literally does NOT make sense. Believing in karma is lower vibratory then not believing in karma. When you choose to stop believing in karma,you are freeing yourself,and freeing up blocked energy which will give you more freedom and flow to your life. In fact,you will then get MORE clarity and I believe find meaning easier in your life. People are constantly clouded believing this person will get their karma,and that person will get theirs,and claiming to see signs of this to be true. What about when bad things happen to you? Your karma? Come on. Not to mention,if karma is real,and you really believe it,everytime you say someone will get their karma,you are basically bringing bad karma to yourself because by believing in bad karma,you should know better(personal responsibility),and would essentially be sending them bad energy.Your running yourself in circles with a LIMITING belief. Evolve PAST the concept of karma. 
     This may be hard to believe or accept for some. But,here it is. We are here,living out our desires,and walking our path. Whether or not you do bad things or good things,has zero effect on this. Let go of the guilt. Let go of the blame. As much as it may anger you to see someone you deem being awful to still be out living their desires,that's just the life path they chose for themselves. In some cases,it may even be possible for someone to for example in one life choose to for example be a butcher,then in a next life,a a pig who is butchered,however this is NOT karma. It's contrast.Souls sometimes like to experience contrast. It's different in the ether. Most people can't comprehend why people(or animals) would CHOOSE certain things.  When you cross over,or get in deep touch with your soul,or perhaps have certain spiritual experiences,you will begin to understand. 

Monday, April 28, 2014

"Why create time?
To experience a time-bound perspective, which allows you to experience growth.  Growth is an experience you cannot experience without physical manifestation because pure consciousness is already perfect; therefore it does not grow and change.  In order to experience growth, your only option was to assume a perspective that distanced you from the awareness that you are pure consciousness, so you could enjoy the process of finding your way back to perfection."-Steve Pavlina



 What if society from a young age was brought up to see death as completely differently? Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much when it happened. In movies,media,and all around us,we are brought up to see death as bad,scary,and as a punishment. It's no wonder the topic is horrifying and painful. I myself have always been someone who avoided the topic of death. I was someone who couldn't really even touch upon the topic,and you may even say I was perhaps repressed on it. I always believed in an afterlife and death not being the end,and tried to keep my mind positive and not touching the topic of death,child-like of me..and perhaps,also intuitively thinking with the law of attraction in mind..well you know.. as long as I didn't touch upon the topic, wouldn't affect me for a very, very long time. But,then the most unexpected happened. I lost a loved one close to me. And,it was very,very unexpected. I think that's what hurt me the most. The unexpectedness of it. Or,at least that was an aspect of it.

     I had always told her soothingly that she was going to live a very long life and would live to be so and so long at least,but I also told her,if she ever felt like she wanted to leave before then,she could,and it would be ok with me,and we would still be together forever and she would have a wonderful,beautiful afterlife. She was so healthy,and vibrant though. And,then Death took her. We give things labels all the time,but really it made no sense. Was it just her time? Does something like that concept exist? There was a lot of   synchronistic   occurrences that make me think this,as unfortunate as it was,and as wrong as it felt to have happened,that it was meant to happen. It was painful but as the days went on,pieces kinda came together. 
     One thing that came to my mind during my grieving is that if we really believe death to be what it actually is,a wonderful thing,and that souls are still with us,we have to lessen our pain at least a bit,don't we? If we have all this pain,aren't we contradicting ourselves? It's like saying we don't really believe the nice things we say to ourselves. It's weird,and I can't say this is true for all,but for my own account,I think I felt healing love being sent to me after she transitioned. How else can we explain the moments of being ok? Things felt louder the first 48 hours after it happened. Every noise felt louder. Birds sounded louder,every noise sounded louder. Was this grief? Or was this life,or her spirit speaking to me? Birds are supposed to be an omen of the afterlife and of immortality and heaven. I was sitting on my porch one moment two days after,and I heard knocking  at the door below me. It was a wreath lightly pounding on the door. Was that something? I don't know. I asked if it was to give me something more louder or clear. Then,the wind blew stronger then it had all day. I've always felt the wind spoke to me. There was more signs too after this.Stronger ones. I've always been a strong believer in signs and that life is always speaking to us. I love serendipity.
    They say death happens to soften the blow for us. To make us not be so afraid. This actually makes sense. I do no longer feel afraid. Here's some revelations and things that help when grieving and things i realized or strengthened my belief in during my grief:

-Support from others. Condolences help. They really do. I never realized this before,I myself had used to feel awkward offering mine(also,again,I've always been very repressed and avoid-y on the topic of death)and felt like I wasn't actually doing anything but it actually DOES help. Also,grief can be very isolating. 

-Nature is the most healing thing. This helped me more then anything. Being in nature just helped me to somehow feel soothed. Being in nature can almost feel like a hug from God when you need it.
-Guilt is natural and will take time. It's a natural stage of the grieving process. Just let yourself process things. This is one of the hardest things. Just know,in time you will have to forgive yourself,and your loved one already has. Even when you do all you could,you brain will naturally try to find ways to make you feel you did wrong or didn't do enough. When a loved one transitions,we are reminded of every perceived shortcoming and regrets. You can't love without hurting,though. I believe in the metaphor of this quote "Each man kills the thing he loves."-Oscar Wilde
-You may not find exactly what you need,but maybe you can find a substitute. What I mean is,I was wanting for myself to find others who have gone through grief  who also had similar spiritual beliefs as me(law of attraction believers.) I didn't find that,but I found a book that helped. Deepak Chopra:Life After Death:The Burden of Proof. I also enjoyed re-reading near death accounts with the afterlife. I had read some about these before and went back to it. After this incident of loss,I also set the intention that I will dive into the topic of death from here on out,and after all,don't I have to? I will connect with Death,and I will connect with it so deeply.

-So many people say be strong,and stay busy. It's well intentioned advice,but I must also add to it:Let yourself crumble. This is death. Even if we change our perception of it to something beautiful and comfortable and not to be feared,it is death,and death is a big deal. Even metaphorically,death is a big deal. Crumble. Die yourself a little. Transition. Feel it fully. Become changed from it all. This is meaningful.
-Sometimes things hit you deeper,and opens your knowingness to deeper levels. Pain does this,it opens you up,and in that openness you can receive new knowledge. I'd always been a believer in subjective reality. In many of my happiest moments of life,life would start to become more surreal,and it felt true. Everything is a dream,and we are dreaming this dream. Actually,this concept scared me. So,I kind of let myself not surrender to life so deeply after those earlier experiences as often because the more I'd surrender,and more good life got,the more the surreal dream-like quality of life would come,and it freaked me out. It freaked me out to think what if this is all just a dream. However,now this actually excites me and soothes me and somehow it hit me again during this week,one of my revelations that again,this is all a dream,and I don't have to be scared. I know this is very esoteric for some viewers and perhaps a bit too "weird." And,if this topic isn't familiar or it intrigues but you want to know more,I suggest googling subjective reality. Actually, author Steve Pavlina has some great info on it. Again,a topic you must have an open mind to digest. It's become clear during my grief that this could become the start of my  2nd spiritual awakening. The start of my being ok with living my life in the subjective reality fashion and not squirming away from it and creating negative dramas so life faded out of that dream like fashion to instead feel more real. The start of my hug with death as I connect with it.
-Memorialize the loved one.I've seen this done before and now I understand that desire. There are many ways to memorialize the loved one and it'll make you feel good to do so. Just looking at pictures of the loved one I lost makes me feel better and like she is still here.
-Get rid of some material objects. For me,it's hard getting rid of objects,even ones I kinda don't even really want,but I think certain life circumstances teach you holding on to things is so pointless. It's good to connect deeper to life and less to objects..even objects with meaning. Throw away or give away some things. It'll help teach you non attachment and impermanence. Things live with you forever,they don't all have to stay with you physically forever and letting go of some more objects teaches you to tune into a different state of awareness and to just let go. This is something that has helped me. As for Button's stuff,I day by day got rid of some things either by throwing it away or giving it away but I also kept some of her stuff such as a favorite toy of hers and her blanket.
-Desires don't die so don't feel guilty for having desires. Desires fuel life and life never ends. Whether the desire is to still earn money and do your job or a fruit smoothie,don't feel guilty. Our desires even carry on into the next life. I believe we either transition when our desires have been fulfilled or we will carry on our desires into the next lifetime with us. Desires are why we are here.
-Everyone grieves in their own way,at their own pace. Don't compare yourself to others,or judge yourself. You are you.
-Enjoy the specialness of life and ease up on having to figure it all out. Some things will be a mystery but that doesn't have to scare you or make you miserable. You can trust. There were so many synchronicities  with losing my close loved one,it somehow makes it all feel fated. It was weird,because before she transitioned,I had felt so emotional the few days beforehand and I didn't know why. I just kept crying and thinking it was the little things in my head,like maybe I wasn't feeling appreciated enough with  life things and insecurities,but it made no sense for me to be so upset but what else could it be? I thought maybe I was just frustrated. I now believe it may have been an empathic psychic experience foretelling the pain to come for me. Again,I know,a very esoteric,"weird" topic,but my higher self tells me this rings true as a possibility. I've also had another theory that hit me recently. I never used to believe in past lives and reincarnation. It just never really resonated with me until experiences I had in 2012. However,here's the story:I had a cat as a child and my mother gave her away to someone else. It really killed me as a child and I blamed myself for letting it happen instead of fighting more to keep the cat. It was also said she was sick. A few years go by,and my parents speak about getting another cat. I said I didn't want one,but part of me kinda did,but I repressed it. I had always had a soul desire to have a cat,though. So,my parents get a cat. At first,I act disinterested and then that first night my parents put her in their room until my mom gets home from work,I come home early from playing outside with friends to sneak a chance at getting to play with the cat before anyone else does. Right away,me and the cat bonded,and from then on,she was always considered Angela's cat. She was very similar to my cat before though,and I've wondered recently,what if they were both the same soul? It's something that resonates as true to me,but I can't be sure yet. It is interesting,though. Also,interesting:That night me and my cat first bonded I played with her with a shoestring. It was how I got her to follow me around everywhere I went and she became very bonded to me. Her first game we played. She was always a very playful cat. When she first started living with me again in my apartment as an adult  after her living with my parents since she was also my mom's cat,she was also with one of my mom's cats I started taking care of. After giving my mother's cat back to her,I felt sad and emotional as I had gotten a little attached to him. Well,after a day or two of that,my cat brought up a shoestring to me,it was the first time she had done that in awhile,and it felt like a very  synchronistic moment to me,like she was saying "come on,momma,were finally together again,let's play." It's one of the moments that fills me and breaks my heart at the same time. I really do believe she was my animal soulmate. 
     There were many special memories together. I remember doing dishes(usually in the middle of the night as I tend to be a nightowl) and she would crawl up to the banister nearby so she could "hang out" with me while doing dishes. I remember thinking sometimes,I was going to end up looking back at these little special moments. She would also often wake me up in the morning. She'd be on the floor below me  and start meowing for me to wake up,occasionally even climbing up to my head to get me to wake up. I remember in the first few months we had her ,back in 1999,my mom got into a fight with my dad,and so decided she was going to have us pack our stuff and leave  my dad. So,she packed some stuff,and me and my brother all walked to our grandmother's house with the cat in tow,too of course,me and my mom taking turns carrying the cat. It was a ridiculous sight to see i'm sure and I knew it as we walked(sidenote:by the time my dad finished with work,they made up and he picked us up to go back home). That cat has been there for everything.She was a cat that was both needy yet gave me my space. It was a perfect fit for me.
     Just like birth is a messy process,so is death and just like birth is a transition,so is death. We can give all the names we want for the reason of death..a stroke,a heart attack,a car accident..and there is reason for this,of course. But,really maybe death just comes for us and it's time. Maybe things are more mysterious then they seem,and we can ask all the questions in the book we want of how we could have prevented it,but really maybe it comes when it comes,and then the logical mind gives things the name it gives,but in a way,does it matter? Death came.
     What about the law of attraction  and death? I can't pretend to know all the answers. Some things I do know,it comes from my higher self. For a day or so,I DID question the law of attraction's validity because I didn't know how I possibly could've created this into my reality. I still don't quite know how. But,the law of attraction is one of the first spiritual things that I ever came to believe in that really made sense to me,and somehow even still,I did believe in it. I just felt it,still. So,do we create our reality 100% completely or do we co-create it? And,co-create with who? Our higher selves and conscious selves? Or is it all our higher selves,but by believing in the law of attraction,are we tapping into a deeper part of ourselves? And,how do we not feel guilty about the things in our lives that happen then? Mostly,we are asleep. We mostly can't see how diluted our thinking even is and so most can't even see how they create with their thoughts. I can't completely answer how this happened in my life experience at this time. I'd have to go deeper and I haven't done that yet. I intend to,however. But,in a sense,does it matter? If death isn't the end,and it is eventually going to happen anyways,and perhaps there is some part of our souls that is creating that we can't access at the moment,then isn't everything ok,anyways? I guess I'm getting at trusting...destiny? Destiny and law of attraction. They contradict but can they co-exist? It's a paradox but most spiritual truths are paradoxes. I believe we create our reality. I believe we keep creating before we come into this "reality," and when we "leave" it. I believe we are never truly alone. I believe there IS something besides just me. Again,a semi contradiction to subjective reality. But,there you go. I believe as lonely as we may feel sometimes,we are never truly alone.There is something else out there. Deep down inside,there is a path you may just not see. The more you connect to God,the less alone you will feel. And,so something unexpected happens,and even though it's good,but bad because you at your current awareness feel it is now gone from you,you want to understand the how and the why. But,you will. All of life will always have some mystery at the moment,and all mysteries eventually get solved,perhaps. 
Everything is connected.
Nothing in life is ever finished.


Thursday, July 11, 2013

 Emotional pain is a sign of aliveness.All emotions, painful or not, are a sacred part of the human condition. They are also the major force at work in the Law of Attraction. When we feel anything we have the privilege to witness a powerful form of creative life energy move through us. It is when we are devoid of any feeling or emotion that we are very much the opposite of alive, we are despondent, indifferent, like an empty shell. Feeling is living!."-Bec Robbins