What if society from a young age was brought up to see death as completely differently? Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much when it happened. In movies,media,and all around us,we are brought up to see death as bad,scary,and as a punishment. It's no wonder the topic is horrifying and painful. I myself have always been someone who avoided the topic of death. I was someone who couldn't really even touch upon the topic,and you may even say I was perhaps repressed on it. I always believed in an afterlife and death not being the end,and tried to keep my mind positive and not touching the topic of death,child-like of me..and perhaps,also intuitively thinking with the law of attraction in mind..well you know.. as long as I didn't touch upon the topic,well...it wouldn't affect me for a very, very long time. But,then the most unexpected happened. I lost a loved one close to me. And,it was very,very unexpected. I think that's what hurt me the most. The unexpectedness of it. Or,at least that was an aspect of it.
I had always told her soothingly that she was going to live a very long life and would live to be so and so long at least,but I also told her,if she ever felt like she wanted to leave before then,she could,and it would be ok with me,and we would still be together forever and she would have a wonderful,beautiful afterlife. She was so healthy,and vibrant though. And,then Death took her. We give things labels all the time,but really it made no sense. Was it just her time? Does something like that concept exist? There was a lot of synchronistic occurrences that make me think this,as unfortunate as it was,and as wrong as it felt to have happened,that it was meant to happen. It was painful but as the days went on,pieces kinda came together.
One thing that came to my mind during my grieving is that if we really believe death to be what it actually is,a wonderful thing,and that souls are still with us,we have to lessen our pain at least a bit,don't we? If we have all this pain,aren't we contradicting ourselves? It's like saying we don't really believe the nice things we say to ourselves. It's weird,and I can't say this is true for all,but for my own account,I think I felt healing love being sent to me after she transitioned. How else can we explain the moments of being ok? Things felt louder the first 48 hours after it happened. Every noise felt louder. Birds sounded louder,every noise sounded louder. Was this grief? Or was this life,or her spirit speaking to me? Birds are supposed to be an omen of the afterlife and of immortality and heaven. I was sitting on my porch one moment two days after,and I heard knocking at the door below me. It was a wreath lightly pounding on the door. Was that something? I don't know. I asked if it was to give me something more louder or clear. Then,the wind blew stronger then it had all day. I've always felt the wind spoke to me. There was more signs too after this.Stronger ones. I've always been a strong believer in signs and that life is always speaking to us. I love serendipity.
They say death happens to soften the blow for us. To make us not be so afraid. This actually makes sense. I do no longer feel afraid. Here's some revelations and things that help when grieving and things i realized or strengthened my belief in during my grief:
-Support from others. Condolences help. They really do. I never realized this before,I myself had used to feel awkward offering mine(also,again,I've always been very repressed and avoid-y on the topic of death)and felt like I wasn't actually doing anything but it actually DOES help. Also,grief can be very isolating.
-Nature is the most healing thing. This helped me more then anything. Being in nature just helped me to somehow feel soothed. Being in nature can almost feel like a hug from God when you need it.
-Guilt is natural and will take time. It's a natural stage of the grieving process. Just let yourself process things. This is one of the hardest things. Just know,in time you will have to forgive yourself,and your loved one already has. Even when you do all you could,you brain will naturally try to find ways to make you feel you did wrong or didn't do enough. When a loved one transitions,we are reminded of every perceived shortcoming and regrets. You can't love without hurting,though. I believe in the metaphor of this quote "Each man kills the thing he loves."-Oscar Wilde
-You may not find exactly what you need,but maybe you can find a substitute. What I mean is,I was wanting for myself to find others who have gone through grief who also had similar spiritual beliefs as me(law of attraction believers.) I didn't find that,but I found a book that helped. Deepak Chopra:Life After Death:The Burden of Proof. I also enjoyed re-reading near death accounts with the afterlife. I had read some about these before and went back to it. After this incident of loss,I also set the intention that I will dive into the topic of death from here on out,and after all,don't I have to? I will connect with Death,and I will connect with it so deeply.
 |
| 1999 |
-So many people say be strong,and stay busy. It's well intentioned advice,but I must also add to it:Let yourself crumble. This is death. Even if we change our perception of it to something beautiful and comfortable and not to be feared,it is death,and death is a big deal. Even metaphorically,death is a big deal. Crumble. Die yourself a little. Transition. Feel it fully. Become changed from it all. This is meaningful.
-Sometimes things hit you deeper,and opens your knowingness to deeper levels. Pain does this,it opens you up,and in that openness you can receive new knowledge. I'd always been a believer in subjective reality. In many of my happiest moments of life,life would start to become more surreal,and it felt true. Everything is a dream,and we are dreaming this dream. Actually,this concept scared me. So,I kind of let myself not surrender to life so deeply after those earlier experiences as often because the more I'd surrender,and more good life got,the more the surreal dream-like quality of life would come,and it freaked me out. It freaked me out to think what if this is all just a dream. However,now this actually excites me and soothes me and somehow it hit me again during this week,one of my revelations that again,this is all a dream,and I don't have to be scared. I know this is very esoteric for some viewers and perhaps a bit too "weird." And,if this topic isn't familiar or it intrigues but you want to know more,I suggest googling subjective reality. Actually, author Steve Pavlina has some great info on it. Again,a topic you must have an open mind to digest. It's become clear during my grief that this could become the start of my 2nd spiritual awakening. The start of my being ok with living my life in the subjective reality fashion and not squirming away from it and creating negative dramas so life faded out of that dream like fashion to instead feel more real. The start of my hug with death as I connect with it.
-Memorialize the loved one.I've seen this done before and now I understand that desire. There are many ways to memorialize the loved one and it'll make you feel good to do so. Just looking at pictures of the loved one I lost makes me feel better and like she is still here.
-Get rid of some material objects. For me,it's hard getting rid of objects,even ones I kinda don't even really want,but I think certain life circumstances teach you holding on to things is so pointless. It's good to connect deeper to life and less to objects..even objects with meaning. Throw away or give away some things. It'll help teach you non attachment and impermanence. Things live with you forever,they don't all have to stay with you physically forever and letting go of some more objects teaches you to tune into a different state of awareness and to just let go. This is something that has helped me. As for Button's stuff,I day by day got rid of some things either by throwing it away or giving it away but I also kept some of her stuff such as a favorite toy of hers and her blanket.
-Desires don't die so don't feel guilty for having desires. Desires fuel life and life never ends. Whether the desire is to still earn money and do your job or a fruit smoothie,don't feel guilty. Our desires even carry on into the next life. I believe we either transition when our desires have been fulfilled or we will carry on our desires into the next lifetime with us. Desires are why we are here.
-Everyone grieves in their own way,at their own pace. Don't compare yourself to others,or judge yourself. You are you.
-Enjoy the specialness of life and ease up on having to figure it all out. Some things will be a mystery but that doesn't have to scare you or make you miserable. You can trust. There were so many synchronicities with losing my close loved one,it somehow makes it all feel fated. It was weird,because before she transitioned,I had felt so emotional the few days beforehand and I didn't know why. I just kept crying and thinking it was the little things in my head,like maybe I wasn't feeling appreciated enough with life things and insecurities,but it made no sense for me to be so upset but what else could it be? I thought maybe I was just frustrated. I now believe it may have been an empathic psychic experience foretelling the pain to come for me. Again,I know,a very esoteric,"weird" topic,but my higher self tells me this rings true as a possibility. I've also had another theory that hit me recently. I never used to believe in past lives and reincarnation. It just never really resonated with me until experiences I had in 2012. However,here's the story:I had a cat as a child and my mother gave her away to someone else. It really killed me as a child and I blamed myself for letting it happen instead of fighting more to keep the cat. It was also said she was sick. A few years go by,and my parents speak about getting another cat. I said I didn't want one,but part of me kinda did,but I repressed it. I had always had a soul desire to have a cat,though. So,my parents get a cat. At first,I act disinterested and then that first night my parents put her in their room until my mom gets home from work,I come home early from playing outside with friends to sneak a chance at getting to play with the cat before anyone else does. Right away,me and the cat bonded,and from then on,she was always considered Angela's cat. She was very similar to my cat before though,and I've wondered recently,what if they were both the same soul? It's something that resonates as true to me,but I can't be sure yet. It is interesting,though. Also,interesting:That night me and my cat first bonded I played with her with a shoestring. It was how I got her to follow me around everywhere I went and she became very bonded to me. Her first game we played. She was always a very playful cat. When she first started living with me again in my apartment as an adult after her living with my parents since she was also my mom's cat,she was also with one of my mom's cats I started taking care of. After giving my mother's cat back to her,I felt sad and emotional as I had gotten a little attached to him. Well,after a day or two of that,my cat brought up a shoestring to me,it was the first time she had done that in awhile,and it felt like a very synchronistic moment to me,like she was saying "come on,momma,were finally together again,let's play." It's one of the moments that fills me and breaks my heart at the same time. I really do believe she was my animal soulmate.
 |
| 2013 |
Just like birth is a messy process,so is death and just like birth is a transition,so is death. We can give all the names we want for the reason of death..a stroke,a heart attack,a car accident..and there is reason for this,of course. But,really maybe death just comes for us and it's time. Maybe things are more mysterious then they seem,and we can ask all the questions in the book we want of how we could have prevented it,but really maybe it comes when it comes,and then the logical mind gives things the name it gives,but in a way,does it matter? Death came.
What about the law of attraction and death? I can't pretend to know all the answers. Some things I do know,it comes from my higher self. For a day or so,I DID question the law of attraction's validity because I didn't know how I possibly could've created this into my reality. I still don't quite know how. But,the law of attraction is one of the first spiritual things that I ever came to believe in that really made sense to me,and somehow even still,I did believe in it. I just felt it,still. So,do we create our reality 100% completely or do we co-create it? And,co-create with who? Our higher selves and conscious selves? Or is it all our higher selves,but by believing in the law of attraction,are we tapping into a deeper part of ourselves? And,how do we not feel guilty about the things in our lives that happen then? Mostly,we are asleep. We mostly can't see how diluted our thinking even is and so most can't even see how they create with their thoughts. I can't completely answer how this happened in my life experience at this time. I'd have to go deeper and I haven't done that yet. I intend to,however. But,in a sense,does it matter? If death isn't the end,and it is eventually going to happen anyways,and perhaps there is some part of our souls that is creating that we can't access at the moment,then isn't everything ok,anyways? I guess I'm getting at trusting...destiny? Destiny and law of attraction. They contradict but can they co-exist? It's a paradox but most spiritual truths are paradoxes. I believe we create our reality. I believe we keep creating before we come into this "reality," and when we "leave" it. I believe we are never truly alone. I believe there IS something besides just me. Again,a semi contradiction to subjective reality. But,there you go. I believe as lonely as we may feel sometimes,we are never truly alone.There is something else out there. Deep down inside,there is a path you may just not see. The more you connect to God,the less alone you will feel. And,so something unexpected happens,and even though it's good,but bad because you at your current awareness feel it is now gone from you,you want to understand the how and the why. But,you will. All of life will always have some mystery at the moment,and all mysteries eventually get solved,perhaps.
Buttons:1999-2014
Everything is connected.
Nothing in life is ever finished.
#Fam
#Sacred |
| 2006ish |
No comments:
Post a Comment